Having been an unwitting audience to many cringe-worthy wedding speeches – especially ones given by heartrendingly well-intentioned best men who end up heart-crushingly the worst ones prepared to share their thoughts – I’m pleased to present my “best man speech rules.” I would compile a list for the newlyweds, or the maiden of honor, or the random usher who’s also encouraged to say some words – but they never seem to have the same trouble with being, well, respectable.
First off, one best man speech rule comes before all others: don’t try to be clever. In fact, take that podium on the full belief that you’re the least witty person on earth. I say this not because it’s true, or even helpful for other speeches on other occasions. I say it because you’ll be drunk and surrounded by cleavage. Further, one instance of cleavage is expressly off limits and only broachable at the cost of your best friend, his new wife, and virtually everyone ever to have graced your social circle. Don’t be clever. Because, if you try to be, you’ll end up being graceless. And you’ll never live it down.
Second, best man speeches aren’t important. Don’t act as if they are. I know, I know, it’s counterintuitive: you may think you owe the bridegroom the world and want the very best for the newly minted couple. And that’s all well and good. But seriously, you’re not addressing Congress, and you’re not intended as the centerpiece of the evening. Keep the oratory low-key, and respect your subordination to the couple whose bank account is now exhausted and whose families are now both poor all for the simple reason of giving them one night of superiority.
And last, a best man speech has to be short. Its listeners are not yet inebriated enough to passively accept another sermon, and just suffered through one of the longest ones of their lives. The minute you pass the 5 minute threshold, you’ll begin trying all your friends’ patience. The minute you hit 10, you’re a persona non grata for at least the next three months. Also, you’ll not be sober enough yourself to run past a couple of minutes without violating rule one anyway, so don’t try your luck.
So, those are the three top best man speech rules that you need to keep in mind to make your best man speech.